How can i move on after abuse?

hi im a 20 year old man and up until i was sixteen my mother made my life hell. i have moved away because i was the laughing stock of the whole town,ever since i was about 8 or nine i remember the s started always on the bare and over her knee many times in front of friends ,family , neighbours and she used to dress me in girls clothes evry birthday from 9-16 i was put in a dress and sandles with my toes painted for my birthday in front of my friends and their mums she is a big and powerful women who u dont argue with, i wore tights under my trousers to school very humiliating when i had to change for pe but thats what she loved doing to me anything to increase my embarrment, as i say i have moved away im very wary of girls and i do xdress and want to be ed i suppose i want to punish myself i dont know y couldnt wait to stop but i think about my past every day and carnt get it out of my head and i dont know if i could sit down and talk to a counciller about this easy writing on here .please anyone with any advice